Georgene Rice interviews relationship experts Bill and Pam Farrel, co-authors of the book the “10 Best Decisions a Single Can Make”. The 2010 census data shows most U.S. households are headed by single adults. Singles are no longer a minority. Recognizing this trend Bill and Pam Farrel are providing advice for singles to embrace the best God has for them in reaching their full potential, just as those do who are married.
Georgene: There has long been a sense that if you are single you are the third wheel. Because the demographics are changing I assume that perspective is changing as well.
Pam: The 10 Best Decisions A Single Can Make takes the position that one is a whole and complete number. What does God want you to do in your life that makes you the best person God designed you to be? By doing that you can have that fulfilling life you may be looking for, rather than “where’s the person who can complete me”.
Georgene: The notion of waiting to exhale, waiting for the “thing” to happen before life really begins has had to be rethought. Your first chapter is “Decide to be Decisive”. You point out that good decisions create a good life, living today.
Pam: One of the key decisions is to decide to celebrate. That means being a positive person, not putting your life on hold—not waiting to buy that house, to travel, or going to take that mission’s trip until you are married. Celebrate life. Go do those things. Move your life forward. You and God can do this.
Bill: Our emotions often follow our decisions. People who are indecisive or make poor decisions tend to have emotional turmoil or disappointment in their life. If you decide intellectually to lead a full life, have goals and pursue a purpose, but if don’t do anything about it, you are going to create a disconnect in your life. You will be frustrated because you have a lot of energy that is not going anywhere.
On the other hand, if you go into action, doing something that will make you a better person, have better influence on people, and move toward a goal, all the emotional energy lines up with your decision. You start moving faster than you ever had before, toward that thing you want most in your life. Most of us know the right thing to do. It’s just a matter of making the decision to do it.
Georgene: What do singles celebrate when their friends around them are getting married and raising their kids?
Pam: Find any reason you can to celebrate. If you got a raise at work, invite your friends over to celebrate. If it’s just a good Thursday, celebrate that too. The fact is, people who are positive attract other positive people. If you are a person who celebrates your own and other people’s victories, you’ll have a great friendship circle. They are going to love hanging out with you.
Bill: If you want to find reasons to be frustrated and upset, you can find them easily. But, if you decide you are going to find a reason to celebrate—your relationship with Jesus, your friends, your potential in life, or that there is nobody in life exactly like you–you become a very attractive person.
Pam: In our book we discuss celebrating God’s blessing. That just means you want to be a person of integrity. “Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners but his delight is in the law of the Lord. He will be like a tree planted by the stream of the water which yields fruit in all its season”. When you are honest with yourself, that is something to celebrate. When you live a life of integrity, that is freeing.
Bill: When I was in high school and playing basketball I was struggling with my shot. My coach told me I needed to stop moving my head. I didn’t know I was doing it until someone showed me a video of me shooting a basketball. Then I saw it. In that honest moment I was able to make the changes that were the best for me.
Pam: One of the things that singles oftentimes struggle with is loneliness. If they would fully grasp that strong relationship with Jesus, they’d realize they are never truly alone.
Georgene: I’ve found that even in married life that is something you have to embrace as well. In the midst of a relationship there can be loneliness. Knowing you are walking with God can help you walk through difficult circumstances. I appreciate that your second chapter encourages your readers to walk with Jesus. This has to be intentional on the part of a single person.
Bill: We describe five different ways people approach Jesus. Some just won’t consider Him. Others wonder who he is. Some wave to Jesus. They like him, but want to keep Him at a distance. Then there are those who “wild card” Jesus by making Him whatever they want Him to be. The last group want to walk with Jesus, bringing Him into all aspects of our life. They rejoice with Him when good things happen and invite Him into the struggles of their life. When you get Jesus in the middle of your victories and in the middle of your struggles you have a whole new appreciation for what is meant by “God is in you”.
Georgene: Why is it particularly important for singles to “define their relationships”?
Pam: Every healthy relationship is “defined”. When people get their hearts hurt it is because the relationship has not been defined. It used to be that you were single, then engaged, then married. But now there is “friend with benefit”, “hooking up”, “booty call”, etc. People don’t know what the relationship really is. In the book we define five levels of relationships with an appropriate level of vulnerability and physical contact for each.
Georgene: You encourage singles to be competitive and to find the peace a single person should aspire to enjoy.
Bill: Singles often will pull their boat out of the race. They say they haven’t met anyone so they put their boat in dry dock behind a locked fence. Yet, to meet someone special you may need to meet a hundred people and you need to keep your boat in the water. Competitors love the game of life, they love practice, and they live for the moment when they win the prize.
Pam: When you know who you are, know your strengths, and how to maximize every piece of who you are there is a peace that comes over your life. You know you are living the life that God designed you to live.
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